


Keeping Me Alive

by Fandoms_Are_Life37



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood Magic, Boys In Love, Depressed England, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Song: Keeping Me Alive (The Afters), Songfic, USUK - Freeform, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_Are_Life37/pseuds/Fandoms_Are_Life37
Summary: Alfred discovers that Arthur has issues with self-harm and comes up with a way to save him.
Relationships: America & England (Hetalia), America/England (Hetalia)
Kudos: 26





	Keeping Me Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Keeping Me Alive by The Afters
> 
> Word count: 3,320
> 
> Estimated read time: 13 minutes
> 
> Magic AU
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression

When Arthur woke up, Alfred was no longer sleeping beside him. Instead, he was pulling on regular clothes for the day.

Noticing that Arthur was awake, he grinned. "Good morning!"

"Good morning."

_It's like I've never lived  
Before my life with you  
So much was missing here  
I never even knew_

Alfred jogged over and kissed Arthur. "Come on, we've got to get to the meeting. Kiku is hellbent on setting down more laws about the uses of magic."

Arthur nodded, getting out of bed and going into the bathroom. He opened up the cabinet behind the mirror and removed his toothbrush and toothpaste. He wet the brush and squeezed the paste on before beginning to scrub his teeth to rid himself of morning breath.

He rinsed off the brush and swished some mouthwash around before putting them away and trying to straighten out his hair.

Alfred came in, smiling, and Arthur turned to face him. "You're in a good mood."

"Well, yeah. I woke up next to my awesome boyfriend, we're going to go see all our friends, and if we hurry, we can get some McDonald's on the way!"

Arthur chuckled. "You're ridiculous."

_I still picture  
The place we were  
When I fell into  
Your world_

"You know you love me." Alfred picked Arthur up and set him on the counter, kissing him with high spirits.

Arthur returned the kiss, pressing close.

_I don't know why I feel this way  
But something's right  
You're like the morning air  
Before the light arrives_

Alfred's hands trailed to Arthur's waist and drifted toward his nether regions, but Arthur caught his wrist to stop him. "We'll run out of time for McDonald's."

Alfred shrugged. His fingers undid the button and zipper while he pressed kisses to Arthur's neck, but Arthur shook his head, pushing him off without much force. "Not this morning."

Alfred sighed, hands falling to the counter on either side of Arthur. "Is something wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, starting to feel nervous.

"I mean that we haven't been intimate in... gee, months. You always say you're tired or there isn't enough time or you don't feel like it."

"I didn't know I had to have sex to be in a relationship with you," Arthur replied, knowing that he needed to put Alfred on the defense to get out of this conversation.

Alfred's eyes widened. "No, no, that's not what I meant. I love you and if you don't want to, that's okay. I'm just worried about you. Did I do something? Is this about when I accidentally broke that teapot?"

"What? No, no, you're fine," Arthur assured him, giving him a cheek kiss in reassurance.

"Then what is it?"

Arthur sighed. "I don't really feel like having this conversation right now."

"But I've tried to start this conversation three times before and you keep putting it off."

"Alfred, we need to get to the meeting."

Alfred looked hurt, but he didn't press the matter. Instead, he walked out of the bathroom to put on his shoes and jacket.

Arthur leaned his head back against the mirror. His heart ached. He hated knowing that Alfred was sad, and it felt worse knowing that he was the reason why. After taking a deep breath to compose himself, Arthur slid off the counter and shut the bathroom door so that he could change shirts.

*************

The meeting had been slow and unproductive, definitely not lifting Arthur or Alfred's spirits. They had spent most of the meeting in silence, not contributing many thoughts, which was unusual for both of them. Especially Alfred- he always seemed to have an opinion to voice.

They stopped at a magic shop on the way back home for Arthur to get some more phoenix ashes for potion brewing and the grocery store for bread, all wordlessly.

Once they got home, Arthur was exhausted. He threw out the McDonald's trash from that morning, unsettled to see that Alfred hadn't eaten much of his. He must have been really upset.

"Arthur?" Alfred called from another room of the house.

"Yes?"

"Can... Can you come here?"

Oh no. Alfred was probably wanting to resume the conversation from this morning. Arthur inwardly groaned. "I was going to head out."

"It's important."

Arthur followed Alfred's voice with a heavy feeling on his chest. He didn't want to fight or make Alfred any sadder than he already was. But when he saw that Alfred was in the bathroom with his back to the door, he was confused.

"What is it?" Arthur asked, hovering outside the doorway.

Alfred swallowed a lump in his throat and turned around, holding Arthur's blood-stained washcloth and razor blades that were supposed to be hidden away in the very back of the cabinet under the sink.

Arthur froze.

"Arthur... what is this?"

He didn't know what to say. This was not the confrontation he was expecting. "Nothing."

Alfred's voice shook as he set them down on the counter behind him and looked back at his boyfriend. "Let me see your arms."

Arthur's stomach dropped. "No."

"Arthur, let me see."

"No. It's not what you think it is, I... uh..."

"Babe, please. Just... if it's not what I think it is, then there shouldn't be a problem with me looking at your arms."

"No, I-"

Alfred's eyes teared up as he reached for his boyfriend. "Arthur, please."

Arthur didn't see a way out of this. He didn't offer up his arms, but he didn't fight or back away when Alfred stepped closer and carefully took one in his hands. Alfred gently rolled up his sleeve and made a choked sound when he saw the damage that had been done.

"Oh god, Iggy..."

Arthur bit back tears as Alfred took the other arm and examined it, too. "I- I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize... I should have realized..." Alfred pulled Arthur into him, hugging him tightly. "Please stop. Please. I can't stand to see you hurt."

There was no stopping the tears for either of them now. "I can't, Alfie..."

"How bad is it?"

"I- I...."

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut and started to cry harder, which was all the confirmation that Alfred needed.

"You're everything to me, Iggy, I can't lose you. I can't. I need you. Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again."

"Alfred..."

"Promise me!"

_No more lonely  
And no more night  
No more secrets  
To hide_

Arthur took a shaky breath, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep his promise. "I promise."

*************

Arthur leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes and trying to steady his breathing. He didn't want to wake up Alfred, who was snoring softly beside him.

Tears trailed down Arthur's face as he cried, mind swarming with self-hatred. Tonight was a red night. Or, that's what Arthur called the nights when the pain got to be too much and he needed to release it somehow.

More specifically, he needed to bleed it out.

He climbed out of bed, careful to let Alfred keep sleeping, before going into the bathroom and shutting the door. The opening of the cabinet, grabbing the little box in the back, opening it to remove a spare blood-stained cloth and razor... the whole process was all too familiar to Arthur.

He tugged off his long-sleeved shirt and looked down at the scars and scabbed cuts that traced themselves up and down his arms. Arthur gritted his teeth and pressed the blade's edge to his skin before dragging it across.

The cut opened up but it took a second before it began to bleed profusely. Not enough.

Arthur cut more, cut deeper in rows on his forearm. When red was spilling all down his arm and dripping on the floor, he was satisfied. This was good. He had carved out the pain and he most likely wouldn't need to do this again for another week. Then, the feelings would be too much again and he'd need to repeat his morbid routine.

He ran his arm under the sink, letting the water wash the blood away before sitting down on the ground and pressing the cloth firmly against his skin to stop the bleeding. It took around ten minutes for it to stop and for the cuts to somewhat close.

Arthur got the paper towels and sopped up the blood from the floor then flushed them down the toilet. He packaged his razors and the bloody cloth back inside his little box so that he could put it back in the cabinet under the sink. He pushed it to the back, sure that other things were blocking it from view before shutting it, pulling his shirt back on, and returning to the bedroom.

Alfred was right where he had left him, hair messy and expression calm. Arthur smiled a bit. What did he ever do to deserve Alfred?

He rolled into bed and closed his eyes, ignoring the pain in his arms and focusing on sleep.

*************

The next day, Arthur was eating his breakfast when Alfred ran into the kitchen, face full of despair.

"What?"

"You did it again."

Arthur gulped. "No, I didn't."

Alfred set a razor blade down on the table that had a stained edge. After he had discovered Arthur's self-destructive habit, Alfred had gotten rid of virtually anything sharp in the whole house. Now they only had butter knives and safety scissors.

"I'm sorry. You don't get it, I can't stop, it's just-"

Alfred didn't wait for the rest of his explanation. He grabbed his jacket and left the house, Arthur scrambling after him, begging him to wait.

"Where are you going?" He asked desperately, grabbing Alfred's sleeve.

"Back to the magic shop. I need some more stuff."

He must be trying to make one of those depression cures. They never worked, Arthur had tried them, but he didn't want to crush Alfred's hope, so he let him go and waited for him to come back.

Thankfully, he did, and he dumped supplies onto the table in the kitchen. Alfred didn't do serious spellwork very often, but he was good at it.

Arthur sat and watched him start a pot of boiling water and open up a new spellbook. He worked for a long time. Arthur offered to help, but Alfred refused, telling him to stay there. While he waited for his potion to simmer, Alfred took the time to enact a simple healing spell on Arthur's arms, leaving just scars.

_I'll hold you near  
Together we'll never die_

Alfred worked for hours with countless ingredients, murmuring tons of passages in Latin, and not saying anything about the potion to Arthur.

The sun was dipping in the sky by the time Alfred went over and gently cut Arthur's hand, letting some blood drip into a cup.

Arthur frowned. "You need my blood for this?"

"Yeah." Alfred ran his thumb over the surface wound to close it magically.

"What exactly are you doing?"

"Don't worry about it."

Arthur didn't ask any more questions, deciding that he owed Alfred a bit of cooperation after what he had put him through the past few days, but he was suspicious when Alfred added some of his blood, too. Blood magic tended to be really serious stuff.

Finally, Alfred poured some swirling red potion into a cup and handed it to Arthur. "Drink this."

"What is it?"

"Iggy, just drink it."

Arthur had a weird feeling in his stomach, but he did as Alfred said, downing everything that Alfred had given him. He trusted him, after all. It wasn't something that would hurt him, he knew that much. Unless Alfred messed it up, but Arthur doubted that he did.

Alfred took the glass back from him and went back over to the potion, taking some more out. Arthur looked at it strangely. "Okay, Alfred, what are you doing?"

His boyfriend drank the substance and looked back at his spellbook, not answering. Arthur got up from his chair and went over, swiping the book from Alfred.

"Give it back!"

Arthur looked down at the page. Life Force and Sensorial Link. His eyes widened. "Oh my god, Alfred!"

Alfred got the spellbook back from him. "Arthur, calm down."

"No! Don't you understand what you just did? If one of us gets hurt, the other one will, too! Or if one of us dies, the other will, too!"

"I know."

"This is crazy serious magic, Alfred! What were you thinking? Why would you do this?"

He looked at Arthur seriously. "You can't hurt yourself anymore."

"W- What?"

"If you cut yourself, you'll cut me, and if you kill yourself, you'll kill me. And I know you, Iggy, you wouldn't do that. You couldn't do that."

Arthur's jaw dropped. "You don't understand, Alfie! I- This is unbreakable!"

"I do understand. I understand perfectly."

Arthur broke down in tears, throwing his arms around Alfred. "You're such an idiot!"

"I love you."

_My heart is in you  
Where you go you carry me  
I bleed if you bleed  
Your heart beats inside of me  
You're keeping me alive_

"I- I love you, too."

_Your love is keeping me alive_

*************

From that day on, Arthur never hurt himself again. He was tempted. He had spent horrible nights with the blade on his arm, but he couldn't do it. Not when he thought about Alfred crying out in pain because of him.

He healed physically and emotionally. When Alfred had first linked them, Arthur was angry. But it didn't take long for him to realize just how much Alfred loved him. Eventually, he was even thankful. If Alfred hadn't bound them together, Arthur might not have made it.

But he did. He was alive. Alfred was keeping him alive.


End file.
